Virgin Sexcapades
by Nao Takumi
Summary: Being entrusted with the task to find a suitable wife for his brother and learning about his certain... disability, Ichiru sets out to cure Zero, with the latter proving to be more of a handful than Ichiru had initially imagined.
1. Prologue

_**Warning(s):** This story will contain humour directed at some common paraphilias (according to the American Psychiatric Association's _Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition [DSM-5])_ in the later chapters, you've been warned beforehand.  
><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>The characters and the anime/manga belongs to Hino Matsuri (?) and I gain no profit whatsoever from writing this story.**  
>AN: **This will be a short, five chapter story. The setting is AR with elements of AU in it as well. The characters are OOC and it was written for the sole purpose of humour and enlightenment. My intention is not to offend any persons personal preference, but I just wanted to share the different opinions of people I've read online regarding certain serious issues in a slightly humorous setting. But that all is in only one of the five chapters, the rest are crack (I don't really know the proper terminology for such humour). Anyways, on to the story, I hope you enjoy reading it and please review, they make my day._

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><p><strong>Virgin Sexcapades<strong>

**Prologue  
><strong>

_I can't believe my luck sometimes_, he thought as he made his way over to the dining room. It was almost a week ago when the issue had been raised in the Association board meeting. True, he himself had given it a lot of thought over the past couple of months. Although knowing that his brother was a rather private person, he thought it to imprudent to stick his nose somewhere it definitely didn't belong.

After being made the Hunters Association President, Zero's popularity had risen surprisingly fast in the past couple of months, to the extent that he received a couple of wedding proposals every day or so. Whilst Ichiru was more than happy to see the acceptance, his brother's response worried him. So far, Zero had not shown interest in a single girl he had been introduced resulting in Ichiru's current predicament: To find a suitable bride for his brother.

Thoughts clouded with the many ways he could approach the conversation, Ichiru greeted Zero, taking a seat opposite the man. He waited for the butler to serve their dinner and pour the wine before speaking up,

"Zero, when you were made the president a few months ago, you were given this mansion to live in, right?" Trying for the subtle approach, Ichiru asked his older twin as he helped himself to a glass of aged white wine, putting the dinner on hold for the discussion.

"Of course, I'm living in it now, aren't I?" _Of course he is. What a stupid question to ask... _Shaking his head, Ichiru tried again after swallowing the remaining contents of his glass in one go, ignoring the slight burn it caused.

"And it contained a room filled with... _delectable_ maidens." Subtle approach, not stupid, he reminded himself, asking the butler to refill his glass with something stronger. The more inebriated he was for this conversation, the better it was for his sanity. One simply couldn't deal with Zero's screwed up thought process without being slightly... _out of it_ themselves.

"I'm aware of that. Although, the uselessness of both the extravagant room and its occupants astounds me." Head stuck in the morning newspaper, Zero mumbled, clearly distracted by whatever it was making the highlights.

"Did the purpose of its presence ever occur to you?" Slightly miffed at not being taken seriously, Ichiru finally snapped, although he wasn't sure whether it was the effect of the wine or in reaction to Zero's stupidity.

"Association is finally projecting a nice, positive image by housing and feeding homeless girls." Innocently blinking wide amethyst eyes, Zero replied finally putting away the twice darned newspaper.

"They are there for _YOU_."

"You are more than enough Ichiru. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't need some random strangers to tend to my needs." Now giving his full attention to his twin, Zero said in a sincere tone.

"Oh the horror!" The sip of wine Ichiru had intended to swallow came out of his mouth as he shrieked and held up his hands in an explanatory gesture, "Let me rephrase that... They are there to relieve you of your sexual frustration!"

"But I'm not frustrated. You on the other hand could make good use of it though. No need to ask for my permission." With the amount of wine he had imbibed during the past half hour, Ichiru wasn't sure that he would be able to answer Zero without tearing him another one. So as any self respecting man who loved and respected his sibling, Ichiru stormed out of the room in search of a flat surface at a rather private location to bang his head against and wallow. How in the world was he going to get his brother a wife if he continued on being such a naive wanker?!


	2. Enlightenment Anew

Chapter 1: Enlightenment Anew

Feeling much like the previous night, Ichiru went inside the dining room. Although this time, his gait was more of a man on a mission expecting immediate results. Disregarding the headache which resulted from the hangover, Ichiru got down to business as soon as he occupied the seat he did the previous night and barely mumbled his apology, "Pardon me for my last night's behaviour. I shouldn't have left like that."

"You shouldn't have, but you are my twin brother. No need to apologise." This time, Zero didn't wait to annoy Ichiru before putting away the newspaper, slowly sipping his tea as he waited for Ichiru to get on with the day's agenda.

"Look, the Association's board members feel that it is time for you to leave behind your title as the 'Most Eligible Bachelor' and get married. As soon as possible."

"Why?"

"Having a next of kin would strengthen your position." Ichiru replied in a matter-of-fact tone to make Zero realise his naivety.

"Hmmm... I don't have any qualms, but what good would getting married do to me if I can't have children?" The older Kiryuu replied in the same tone, looking at Ichiru meaningfully.

"What do you mean you can't have children?!" Ichiru spluttered, feeling the beginning of an entirely new headache. Was Zero's task to send him early to his grave?

"I'm entertaining the idea of publicising my impotency if it gets me out of a baseless marriage with a girl." Oblivious to Ichiru's impending demise, Zero continued on with his musings, taking a sip of his tea every now and then.

"What! Why? I mean how would you know that you're impotent?!"

"I believe the fact that I can't get aroused when I'm with girls renders all of your marriage ideas for me useless." It wasn't that he had experimented with any living girl, but he had more than a vague idea that his assumption was more than just that. Who in their right mind found globs of fat hanging on the chest alluring? Just the thought suffocated him, curbing any desire which should've born inside of him.

Ichiru wasn't sure how or why, but almost every time Zero opened his mouth, he felt the dire need to stuff his month old socks in it. As his headache grew worse and his vision became blurry, the only thought which plagued his mind was to teach Zero social niceties and propriety. Gibbering too much information was one of them.

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><p>The first thing which his brain registered as he came about was the urge to throw up. Someone was holding him tightly by his forearms and shaking him vigorously. The back and forth motion resulted in a by-the-minute increasing feeling of nausea doing nothing to make him at ease.<p>

Seeing slightly darker amethyst eyes staring back at him, Zero stopped trying to revive his brother and breathed deeply in relief and asked whether everything was alright with Ichiru.

"You just told me you've never shagged a girl in your entire life." Recovering from his momentary mental degeneration, Ichiru said, voice slightly dazed.

"I've never really had the time or the opportunity to focus on the opposite gender during my teenage." Zero shrugged, "so no interest now."

"What about wanking?" Mind in the process of digesting all the newly inquired information, Ichiru asked, weighing his options.

"Never bothered trying that."

"I guess I'll arrange some wanking material for you then by tonight. Any particular preference?" Getting up and dusting his clothes, Ichiru asked, going over the titles which he had often heard his colleagues and friends discussing during their lunch hours, not quite sure what his brother would prefer.

"Enlighten me would you?"


	3. Testing The Waters

**A/N: This was the chapter I mentioned previously. I sincerely hope I don't offend anyone with it, but in case i do, I apologise beforehand, it was not my intention. Other than that, please don't flame it, although I would appreciate constructive reviews. On to the chapter, please enjoy!**

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><p>Chapter 2: Testing The Waters<p>

Retiring to his room for the night, Zero was surprised to see Ichiru sprawled on his sofa before the events of the morning flooded his mind and he shook his head in understanding.

"I'm assuming that my days of innocence are going to come to an end tonight?" He cast a cursory glance at all the magazines, compact disks, lubricant bottles and boxes of tissue paper lined up beside his bed. His perfectly average 29' inch LCD was replaced with a 42'inch plasma screen situated directly in front of his bed. The pale cotton covers of which were replaced with burgundy silken sheets, for the added effect he presumed.

On his way out of the room, Ichiru turned off the lights, making Zero aware of the numerous scented candles decorating the room and creating a seductive ambiance. He also heard Ichiru's vague voice asking him to tell of any overnight development. Once left alone to his instruments, Zero wasted little time to get relaxed and on with his task. Surely there was some hope for him in his brother's mind if this went well.

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><p>Try as he might the next morning Ichiru couldn't help, but asking Zero of how his previous night went as soon as the older twin stepped inside the dining room. He clearly missed out on the large bags underneath the unusually dim amethyst eyes.<p>

"Whilst touching myself, I came to the conclusion that naked, overly gifted girls do nothing to activate my libido, but for your sake, I continued trying... in vain."_ And now my hands hurt and I've got a slight headache from being sleep deprived_, but he didn't bother adding that part. And whatever he said and did next, he blamed it all on sleep deprivation.

"Also, I couldn't get past the idea of touching myself. I mean shagging is a form of physical acceptance and comfort above everything else and wanking is a solo performance. I couldn't understand the human psychological or whatever it is need to wank. Especially when bored." Voice rising with every word that left his mouth and moving towards his twin, Zero's looked almost comical with his straight, expressionless face and haunting eyes.

"Like what, you're bored and suddenly," He clapped his hands for emphasis, "BAM! You find yourself attractive?" Before Ichiru could respond to his deranged brother, Zero left the room, mumbling unintelligible phrases under his breath.

Staring at his brother's retreating back, Ichiru couldn't help but burst into peals of laughter. This was by far, the most unexpected and original response he had witnessed on the issue of wanking. And now that _that_ option to test his impotency was out of the option, Ichiru was left to consult other frequent paraphilias to test whether Zero was a completely hopeless case or if there was some hope left for the man after all.

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><p>Ichiru decided to give Zero a little break for the night by not appearing in front of him at dinner. Instead, he spent the time organising and ordering the materials which he would require to test his next hypothesis.<p>

"I've come up with a few other ways to test this theory of yours." The morning after the wanking incident, Ichiru said just as Zero was going to leave the house for Association Headquarters.

"Be my guest." Was Zero's hasty reply as he shut his car's door and drove away.

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><p>After spending the entire day dealing with mostly incompetent fools, Zero wanted to relax at home, but seeing Ichiru strolling in front of his car with that maniacal gleam in his eyes, he knew he was in for another sleepless night.<p>

"What is it this time?" He sighed, allowing Ichiru to drive to his selected destination.

"Hello to you too, dearest brother of mine." Annoyingly chirpy considering the time of the day, Ichiru turned the car on the highway leading to the local cemetery. He had given it a lot of thought, not knowing which test to check for at first. At that point, Zero's track record had proven to be quite helpful and he began with the paraphilia that was least popular according to the survey he read. And now, here they were. Outside the cemetery. At eleven on a week night.

Two pairs of violet eyes stared into each other; one amused and calculating, the other deadpan. "I can assure you I do not suffer from necrophilia. Death gives me the creeps." After prolonged minutes of heavy silence, Zero finally spoke. He wasn't sure what symptoms he had portrayed to make his brother come to this conclusion, but he was sure after all of this, a trip to the most experienced and efficient psychiatrist in the country was necessary.

"If our work here is done, may we continue this delightful drive all the way to our house?" Zero remarked dryly, now sitting in the driver's seat. For a moment he entertained the idea of leaving his brother all alone there, see if his libido kicked in all the gloom, but thought better of it. He didn't want to accidently wake up in a grave at his age.

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><p>After the awkwardness of the previous night, Ichiru lay low for a few days, trying to give Zero his mental space. Heavens knew the man needed to calm down. Zero on the other hand, was becoming increasingly concerned for his mental health. He didn't know what it was Ichiru was planning to expose him to next, but he knew it would probably scar him for life. Ichiru was just that good at it.<p>

Heaving an exasperated sigh, Zero unlocked the door to his room and stepped in, surprised. "What is with the animal pictures? Are you thinking of getting a pet?" He asked the person lounged on his bed, looking extremely comfortable surrounded by lifelike models of horses and dogs among other animals.

In reply, Ichiru just stared at him, hard. Urging the rusty wheels inside Zero's brain to start turning.

"Oh! I get it. I can assure you I'm not into bestiality. My love for animals does not run that deep." Horrified, the older twin answered, turning around to leave the room. Just to appease himself a little for the mental torture Ichiru was making him go through, Zero locked the door and hooked a chair beneath the handle to keep it from turning.

"Serves you right, you insufferable prick." He mumbled, going to one of the guest rooms to sleep for the night.

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><p>Ichiru's next attempt to divulge Zero's reason for impotence was a few days after the last failed attempt. Apparently, his twin was not as mentally disturbed... unhinged... <em>deranged<em> as he had initially assumed. So now, here he was, preparing to test for the commonest clinical sexual deviations he could find. If this didn't work out, he was surely raising the white flag on his brother's sexual life.

As Zero entered his newly furnished room, he wondered where had his guardians and parents gone wrong? Why was Ichiru such a... _bastard_? But deep in his heart, he always had known that his younger twin was an odd nut. And no, he didn't need to look at the BDSM theme his room currently had to prove that fact.

"Bondage, leather garment and the like are most definitely not my kink. Considering my occupation, they are a constant source of amusement and disturbance for me." He said with a hopeless sigh. Seeing Ichiru's defeated and downcast expression, he deemed it essential to add, 'Don't worry little brother, you are becoming one too," lest Ichiru be disheartened. He had wondered how long it would take Ichiru to realise where he had gone wrong, but apparently, he needed to be shown. He personally didn't consider his disposition that unusual, but it seemed that people generally were more prone to thinking the worst in such situations.


	4. Epilogue

**(A/N: **So, I did say in the first chapter that this story would be five chapters long, but I decided not to break the previous chapter into two as was my initial plan. So this is the last chapter now. Thank you Fuyumi for reviewing and liking it. It made me really happy to read your review. And sorry for posting it rather quickly, I wanted to finish this story whilst I was interested. I hope you all enjoy reading this chapter too and please review.**)**

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><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

A couple of months had passed before that fateful night, when Ichiru's questions about his twin brother's impotency were answered. By then, Ichiru had just assumed that as far as Zero was concerned, there was just the usual problem in the plumbing and since he was not a doctor, there was nothing he could do to help Zero.

It was the New Year Eve's party at the Kiryuu Mansion where every important and unimportant person related to both the Hunter's Association and the Vampire Council was present. It was about an hour to midnight and having imbibed enough wine to turn his usually sombre mood cheerful, Ichiru frolicked about the mansion, in search of his twin to pester.

He was on the second floor, the lively music playing in the ballroom downstairs just a silent murmur now. Walking over to where Zero's room was, Ichiru stopped midway, hearing a scuffle and rustling of clothes. As he moved closer to the source of the scuffle, he was flabbergasted to see a very much aroused Zero being pinned to the hallway closet door by a dark haired man whom he couldn't quite identify as of yet.

His brother's hands were held above his head in a tight grip, and he was partially undressed. His dinner suit jacket was tossed carelessly on the floor and dress shirt was following loosely, displaying an unhealthy amount of pale skin on display for every passerby. Zero's brunet partner was in no better condition. Ichiru could clearly see the angry red marks on the man's chiselled neck and shoulder from where his shirt had been pulled and torn in throes of passion.

Ichiru waited for Zero to become aware of his presence, but it seemed that his twin and his partner far too submerged into the act to really care about anyone else. Thus, after prolonged minutes of hearing loud pants and moans and live action gay porn, Ichiru cleared his throat and said,

"You said you couldn't get aroused. Mind explaining that?"

His question seemed to bring the couple back to the deserted hallway from their La-la-land where another person was actually gawking at them having a rather private moment. Painstakingly pulling away from his partner, Zero licked his reddened, kiss bruised lips before answering.

"With girls, mind you. And _that_ is Kuran Kaname." Zero replied before pulling Kaname's mouth back on his and reengaging in their previous activity. Every minute not spent kissing that man was a waste in his mind.

"B-but... you were impotent. Whatever happened to mister nice and virginal who hasn't even wanked once in his life?!" Temper slowly rising, Ichiru asked, pulling Kaname back by his shoulder to clearly see his brother.

"Ugh... do we have to do this now? Seriously?" Scowling, Zero whined, clearly unhappy at being denied access to Kaname.

"I need answers and I need them now, before god forbid I burst a vein and kill you with my bare hands Kiryuu Zero." Making the strangling motion with his hands, Ichiru said in a grave voice.

"I've never wanked before because my sexual needs have quite successfully been satiated for as long as I can remember by Kaname here." He made a grand motion of showing Kaname who was trying really hard to keep a straight face, especially after Zero's next words. His future brother-in-law was a very creative and imaginative person from what he could judge by Zero's stories of their daily life.

"He is also the reason why I find girls distasteful, along with animals and dead people and other strange kinks which I never knew even existed before this... whatever it was you were trying to accomplish."

Ichiru simply stood there gobsmacked, not knowing how to express himself at the moment. "Of course... why didn't that cross my mind?"

"It just surprised me that being gay, the thought that I could be gay too didn't cross your mind. We are identical in every aspect after all." Thinking that these answers were enough for the night, Zero pulled Kaname to his room and carefully locked the door before returning to their previous activity, leaving a still shocked Ichiru standing in the hallway with his mouth open.

"I'm gay Ichiru... Three words that bastard couldn't say to me before I made a complete and utter prat out of myself..." The younger Kiryuu murmured, swallowing his embarrassment. "Seriously..."


End file.
